For those who are searching for an excuse to put off mowing the yard, standing in a line at the DMV, or have stalking tendencies. (Not that I’m judging, especially if you’re cute.)
I will start with a confession. I didn’t exactly know what to write about myself, so I searched for inspiration from other authors. What I found was that most authors actually went to college and took smart classes like Journalism, Literature, or English. I, sadly, avoided classes that entailed a large amount of reading and writing. Which now gives me a small clue as to why my editor gets her red pens in bulk at Costco; why when I tried to use Grammar.com it highlights whole pages at a time; and why I never use colons and semi-colons correctly. FYI: if you thought semi-colons were used when you wanted a colon, but just not a full blown colon, just a “semi” colon; you’d be wrong — or so says my editor. She also says I have a fear of commitment. I say she’s needy. We’re at an impasse.
I also noticed most bios were in second person; “She went to school, she lives on a lake in Montana has two children, a lovable yellow lab and she’s an active member of Telling Stories Through Needlepointing for the Modern Day Woman club…” and so forth. Wait, is that second person, when you write about yourself as if you’re someone else? Or is that third person? (At this point, I’m kind of regretting picking The History of Backgammon, over English 2101 or 3478, or whichever class taught colons and correct number-person speak.)
Maybe I should use third person– being K.B. is a pen name. So there’s me, there’s K.B. Draper, and if I write about K.B. as if I’m another person… For instance, “K.B.’s rambling humor is entertaining to some but annoying to anyone that took English 3478.” Would that be third person? If so, does this mystery third person need a name? (Insert happy hand clapping) Oh, I want to name them…
Hum, if you haven’t caught on by now, she, me, K.B. whomever, uses “…” a lot! It’s her, (my?) written way of showing you, that she, me, K.B. is thinking. And we… wait, I’m confused K.B.? Screw it! I, or the person pretending to be me, think a lot! I started using …s to signifying just how much thinking I was doing so readers would be impressed. Like now I’m thinking of a name for my fictional bio writer. Watch I’m starting to think………………and BAM! Wendy Weathervain. No, wait — that’s a little too weathergirl like, but I like the name so watch for her in a future book where there is a good possibility she will have very large hum, pressure systems.
Anyways, neither Grammar.com nor my editor were impressed with the long paragraphs of…s. So I’m now restricted to … But, know I do put a lot of thought into my writing. Not as much as to what I’m having for lunch or what should or shouldn’t go into my paper shredder. But seriously, lunch is like the second most important meal of the day and have you seen the price of paper shredders these days?
Sorry, back to bio writer naming. I need something more writer-ery sounding. Also note I make up a lot of words. But it’s totally cool because I read that authors have a certain amount of literary freedom when they write. I’m pretty sure I read that in one of those How to write your first novel in 100 days books. Which I will state right here and now is a big load of crap because one, it took me eighty seven days to read the annoying, boring piece of dumbness and two, because there was not one single chapter called “Transplant your brain with Nora Roberts’s brain.” Which you should know, will be the first chapter and only chapter in my How to write your first novel in 99 days book (which will be on shelves 100 days after Nora lifts the restraining order and I get my forceps and scalpel out of police evidence).