Short bio for people who have A.D.D., a life, or are catching a train.
In 2008, K.B. Draper discovered a talent for storytelling after drinking a bottle of cheap wine at a Christmas party.
One of her equally intoxicated friends said, “You are so freak’n *burp* funny. You should write a book.” The idea stuck and so did a cocktail napkin (in an inappropriate place) but that’s a totally different story. After that, K.B. Draper taught herself to write; which was challenging because she was a bad student and an even worse teacher — but words started to make sentences, sentences made paragraphs and paragraphs eventually made a story, which came to be her first book, The U-Haul Diary.
The U-Haul Diary is a comedic, loose interpretation (okay, completely one-sided view) of the women she dated who moved in and out of her life (and house). Writing was cheaper than therapy so she continued to tell stories in her stylized rambling humor– but her second book Close-Up is more of a modern day,will they-won’t they, oh no they didn’t, fantasy series, featuring Kanyon and Daylen, two heroines out to save the world from sin-infused articles and the supernatural bad guys.
K.B. Draper is not a classically trained writer but she fakes it pretty okay and hopefully inspires a few chuckles along the way.
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For those who are searching for an excuse to put off mowing the yard, standing in a line at the DMV, or have stalking tendencies. (Not that I’m judging, especially if you’re cute.)
I will start with a confession. I didn’t exactly know what to write about myself, so I searched for inspiration from other authors. What I found was that most authors actually went to college and took smart classes like Journalism, Literature, or English. I, sadly, avoided classes that entailed a large amount of reading and writing. Which now gives me a small clue as to why my editor gets her red pens in bulk at Costco; why when I tried to use Grammar.com it highlights whole pages at a time; and why I never use colons and semi-colons correctly. FYI: if you thought semi-colons were used when you wanted a colon, but just not a full blown colon, just a “semi” colon; you’d be wrong — or so says my editor. She also says I have a fear of commitment. I say she’s needy. We’re at an impasse.
I also noticed most bios were in second person; “She went to school, she lives on a lake in Montana has two children, a lovable yellow lab and she’s an active member of Telling Stories Through Needlepointing for the Modern Day Woman club…” and so forth. Wait, is that second person, when you write about yourself as if you’re someone else? Or is that third person? (At this point, I’m kind of regretting picking The History of Backgammon, over English 2101 or 3478, or whichever class taught colons and correct number-person speak.)
Maybe I should use third person– being K.B. is a pen name. So there’s me, there’s K.B. Draper, and if I write about K.B. as if I’m another person… For instance, “K.B.’s rambling humor is entertaining to some but annoying to anyone that took English 3478.” Would that be third person? If so, does this mystery third person need a name? (Insert happy hand clapping) Oh, I want to name them…
Hum, if you haven’t caught on by now, she, me, K.B. whomever, uses “…” a lot! It’s her, (my?) written way of showing you, that she, me, K.B. is thinking. And we… wait, I’m confused K.B.? Screw it! I, or the person pretending to be me, think a lot! I started using …s to signifying just how much thinking I was doing so readers would be impressed. Like now I’m thinking of a name for my fictional bio writer. Watch I’m starting to think………………and BAM! Wendy Weathervain. No, wait — that’s a little too weathergirl like, but I like the name so watch for her in a future book where there is a good possibility she will have very large hum, pressure systems.
Anyway, neither Grammar.com nor my editor were impressed with the long paragraphs of…s. So I’m now restricted to … But, know I do put a lot of thought into my writing. Not as much as to what I’m having for lunch or what should or shouldn’t go into my paper shredder. But seriously, lunch is like the second most important meal of the day and have you seen the price of paper shredders these days?
Sorry, back to bio writer naming. I need something more writer-ery sounding. Also note I make up a lot of words. But it’s totally cool because I read that authors have a certain amount of literary freedom when they write. I’m pretty sure I read that in one of those How to write your first novel in 100 days books. Which I will state right here and now is a big load of crap because one, it took me eighty seven days to read the annoying, boring piece of dumbness and two, because there was not one single chapter called “Transplant your brain with Nora Roberts’s brain.” Which you should know, will be the first chapter and only chapter in my How to write your first novel in 99 days book (which will be on shelves 100 days after Nora lifts the restraining order and I get my forceps and scalpel out of police evidence).
Sorry, I also have an issue with staying on topic because I don’t like to be limited to one topic. I like multiple topics. I think I’m bi-topic-ual. I’m sooo going to make a flag for that…
Or maybe it’s just my A.D.D. Balloon, spaghetti, tractor, what? Whatever it is, it’s all good because we still have that cool thing called literary freedom. I think there is actually an Act, the Literary Freedom Act of 1885 or 1923, 47 or something. Doesn’t matter, but the Act gives me the power to jump topics in a single bound or press of the return button. Amazing right? Here watch the magic…
I also use … a lot to end rambling thoughts where there really isn’t a good way to end them otherwise.
(Or start them out of nowhere) …J.R. Masterson! J.R. Masterson, Fictional Bio writer. Initials always make someone sound smarter. Ah-ha! Nice one K.B. 😉 So now that we have our bio-writer named, we can start the second, third person speak?
In 2008, K.B. Draper discovered a talent for storytelling after drinking a bottle of cheap wine at a Christmas Party. One of her also intoxicated on cheap wine friends said, “You are so freak’n *burp* funny. You should write a book.” The idea stuck and so did a cocktail napkin (in an inappropriate place) but that’s a totally different story.
K.B. Draper taught herself to write, which was challenging being she’s a bad student and an even worse teacher; but words started to make sentences, sentences made paragraphs, and paragraphs eventually made a story, which came to be titled The U-Haul Diary, a comedic, lose interruption (okay, completely one-sided view) of the women that moved in and out of her life…and house.
Writing was cheaper than therapy so she continued to tell stories in her stylized-rambling humor. She thought a lot about what story to tell beyond the relatable chaos of The U-Haul Diary, which was exhausting, so she took a nap. She dreamt about kite flying dragons, which really doesn’t have to do with anything but, it did remind her of another dream she had years before about her having a child named Kanyon. She’d woken with a resolute knowledge that Kanyon would be a part of her life someday. Though Kanyon had never been literally born, (cause K.B. has this weird thing about stirrups) K.B. knew it was time for Kanyon to be literately brought to life. Matched with Daylen — a born Seeker and Kanyon as her fated Guardian — K.B. created a modern day fantasy series where you’ll join the two heroines in their adventures as they attempt to keep sin-infused articles out of the hands of the supernatural bad guys.
K.B. Draper is not a classically trained writer but she fakes it pretty okay and hopefully inspires a few chuckles along the way.
J.R. Masterson
Professional Bio Writer
(Also available for kid parties)
